Editor's Note: FYI - I just returned from a one day
trip for a funeral (non-NYC related - Monday Oct 1st from NC to Southport,CT
via LaGuardia) and met with my cousin from Summit, NJ. He reports that he and his
son lost approx 12 friends/biz associates in the NYC disaster - been doing nothing
but going to wakes, meml services and funerals!!!!!!
A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense." So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now." The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about." The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit! KVHOME
GOLF - THE FOUR LETTER WORD EXPLAINED 1. Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle. 2. "I wish I could play my normal game...just once." 3. "Golf is harder than baseball. In golf, you have to play your foul balls." 4. If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble. 5. Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot. 6. The term "mulligan" is really a contraction of the phrase "maul it again." 7. A "gimme" can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers...neither of whom can putt very well. 8. An interesting thing about golf is that no matter how badly you play; it is always possible to get worse. 9. Golf's a hard game to figure. One day you'll go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and for no reason at all you really stink. 10. I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I won't play. 11. If your best shots are the practice swing and the "gimme Putt," you might wish to reconsider this game. 12. Achieving a certain level of success in golf is only important if you can finally enjoy the level you've reached after you've reached it. 13. Golf is the only sport where the most feared opponent is you. 14. Golf is like marriage: If you take yourself too seriously it won't work... and both are expensive. 15. The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil. 16. To some golfers, the greatest handicap is the ability to add correctly. 17. In golf, some people tend to get confused with all the numbers... they shoot a "six," yell "fore" and write "five." 18. Swing easy. Hit hard. 19. If you find yourself pleased that you locate more balls in the rough than you actually have lost, your focus is totally wrong and your personality might not be right for golf...it is also just a matter of time before the IRS investigates your business. 20. Why is it twice as difficult to hit a ball over water than sand? 21. Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks. 22. You will enjoy golf only after you're able to hit the ball far enough so that you've calmed down by the time you reach it.
Isn't this amazing? Bill Clinton is getting $12 million for his memoirs, Hillary got $8 million for her memoirs. That is $20 million for two people who for eight years couldn't remember anything
HOW TO WRITE AND SING THE BLUES 1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning." 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line. "I got a good woman - with the meanest dog in town." 3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes - sort of. "Got a good woman with the meanest dog in town. He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and he weighs 500 pounds." 4. The blues are not about limitless choice, convertible debentures, golden parachutes, BMW's, opera, college trust funds or environmental impact statements. 5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die. 6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues. Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis. 7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont, North Dakota, Marin County or Cape Cod are just a depression. Chicago, St Louis, and Kansas City are still the best places to have the blues. 8. The following colors do not belong in the blues: violet beige mauve taupe 9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping mall, the lighting is wrong. 10. Good places for the blues: the highway the jailhouse an empty bed Bad places: ashrams Gallery openings weekend in the Hamptons Trump Plaza 11. No one will believe it's the blues if you wear a suit, unless you happen to be an old black man. 12. Do you have a right to sing the blues? A. Yes, if: your first name is a southern state - like Georgia you're blind you shot a man in Memphis you can't be satisfied B. No, if: you were once blind but now can see. you hold an elected office you have a trust fund your woman can be satisfied 13. Neither Julio Iglesias nor Barbara Streisand can sing the blues. Kenny G cannot play the blues. 14. If you ask for water and baby gives you gasoline, it's the blues. Other blues beverages are: wine Irish whiskey muddy water Blues beverages are NOT: any mixed drink Any wine kosher for Passover Yoo Hoo (all flavors) 15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is a blues way to die. Other blues ways to die include: the electric chair substance abuse being denied treatment in a hospital emergency room. It is not a blues death if you die during a liposuction treatment. 16. Some blues names for women: Sadie Big Mama Bessie 17. Some blues names for men: Joe Willie Little Willie Lightning Jr. Persons with names like Sequoia, Sierra, Megan, Kiira, or Kasia will not be permitted to sing the blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis. 18. Blues names Starter kit Combine: A. Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Asthmatic) B. First name (see above) or name of a fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi) C. Last name of president (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) EXAMPLES: Blind Lemon Jefferson, Anorexic Willie Nixon, Syphilitic Blueberry Eisenhower. Singers and Songwriters adhering to these rules will be successful.